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As a result of the reduction
of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our
number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement,
thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current
fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs
outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the
program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with
upper management. This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority
Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee
may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as
the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to
get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or
CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has
AIDS (Additional Income from Dependents or Spouse).
As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has
received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board
that the company will continue its policy of training employees through
our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). We take pride in the amount
of SHIT our employees receive.
We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.
If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see
your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the
SHIT you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
The Management
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