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Doctor Stories
Link to JOKES 2. ( may not
be suitable for children)
Link to JOKES 3. ( naughty,
may not be suitable for children)
It seems a farm boy accidentally
overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard
the noise.
"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles.
Come inwith us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."
"That's mighty nice of you, "
Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."
"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.
"Well okay," the boy finally
agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."
After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his
host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is
going to be real upset."
"Don't be foolish," the neighbor
said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?"
"Under the wagon."
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The
Skinny
An overweight guy sees an ad that reads "Lose weight. Only
$10 a pound." and decides to make the call. The operator asks,
"How much weight do you want to lose?"
"Ten pounds," he replies.
"We’ll have a representative
over in the morning," says the operator.
About 10 a.m., there’s a knock on
the door. There stands a fairly good-looking girl, completely
naked except for a sign around her neck reading “If You Catch
Me, You Can Have Me.”
The hefty fellow chases her upstairs, downstairs,
and all around the house. Afterwards, he runs to the bathroom
and weighs himself. He’s lost 10 pounds!
That night he calls the number again and
says, "I want to lose 20 pounds."
"We’ll send someone over."
The next morning, he’s greeted by
a gorgeous girl wearing a sign around her neck that reads “If
You Catch Me, You Can Have Me.” The chase takes a good while
longer this time, but later he finds he’s lost 20 pounds!
That night he calls and says, "I want
to lose 50 pounds!"
"Fifty pounds?" the operator
asks. "OK, if you insist."
About 7 a.m. the man hears a knock and
opens the door. Outside stands an enormous gorilla with a sign
around its neck that reads, “If I catch you. . . ”
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One day a blonde woman
named Sally finally got tired of everyone assuming she was stupid
because of her hair color. She decided to go to the hairdressers
and have her hair dyed brown.
Feeling quite proud of her new look she decided to go for a drive
in the country. After a while she came upon a shepherd. Trying to
test out her new look she walked over to him and asked, "If
I can guess how many sheep you have may I take one for a reward?"
The shepherd thought that she would never
guess the exact number of sheep, so he took her bet and let her
try. Amazingly she guessed 98, the exact number of sheep he owned.
Feeling rather good about herself, she
picked up her reward and started walking back to her car. Before
she got there the shepherd tapped her on the shoulder.
"If I can guess your natural hair
color, can I have my dog back?"
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Two bored casino dealers
were waiting at a craps table. A very
attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind,
but I feel
much luckier when I'm completely nude. With that she stripped from
her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new
clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped
up
and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all
the money and clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers just stared at each other
dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The
other answered, "I
don't know I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral: Not all blondes are dumb, but all
men are men.
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Doctor's Wife
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument, and before he
went to work, the doctor shouted,. "And another thing. . .
You're lousy in bed!"
Feeling bad about the fight, he later called home to make amends,
but hois wife took a long time to answer the phone. "What
took you so long to answer?", he asked.
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."
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A kindergarten pupil told his
teacher he'd found a cat. She asked if it was dead or alive.
"Dead,"
she was informed.
"How do you know?", she asked.
"Because I pissed in his
ear and it didn't move," said the child innocently. "You
did
WHAT?!?", the teacher squealed in surprise.
"You know," explained the boy,
"I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he didn't move.
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A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"Da-ad...."
"What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spankyou!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
'WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" |
| An Irishman named Murphy
went to his doctor after a long illness.
The doctor, after a lengthy examination,
sighed and looked Murphy in the eye
and said, "I've some bad news for
you...you have the cancer and it can't be
cured. I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news,
but
of solid character, managed to compose
himself and walk from the
doctor's office into the waiting room.
There he saw his son who had
been waiting. Murphy said, "Son, we
Irish celebrate when things are good
and celebrate when things don't go so well.
In this case, things
aren't so well. I have cancer and I've
been given a short time to live. Let's
head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints the two were
feeling a little less
somber. There were some laughs and more
beers. They were eventually
approached by some of Murphy's old friends
who asked what the two were
celebrating.
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate
the good and the bad. He went on
to tell them that they were drinking to
his impending end. He told his
friends, "I've only got a few weeks
to live as I have been diagnosed with
AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences
and they had a couple
more beers. After his friends left, Murphy's
son leaned over and
whispered his confusion, "Dad I thought
you said that you were dying from cancer...?
You just told your friends that you were
dying from AIDS?"
Murphy said, "I am dying from cancer
son, I just don't want any of them
sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."
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GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE
THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts.
Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
My mind not only wanders; sometimes it leaves completely.
One reason to smile is that every seven
minutes of every day,someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things.
Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE;
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You become Santa Claus.
4) You start to look like Santa Claus.
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| A man arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to
be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if
the fellow's name is written in it. After several minutes, St. Peter
closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I
don't see your name written in the Book."
"How current is your copy?" he asks.
"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies,
"why do you ask?"
"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn
type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out
to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."
"I'm glad to hear that," St. Peter says, "but
while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me
about a really good deed that you did in your life?"
The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Hmm, well there
was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a big
gang harassing this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough,
there they were, about 20 of 'em torturing this poor woman. Infuriated,
I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked
up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy; 6-foot-6, 280
pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from
his nose to his ears. As I walked up to the leader, they formed
a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next.
"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed
him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and
yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl
alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before
I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"
St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"
"About three minutes ago."
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| Walking into the bar,
Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie.
I just had a fight with the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And
how did this one end?"
"When it was over," Harvey replied,
"she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What
did she say?"
"She said, 'Come out from under that
bed, you gutless weasel!!!'"
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Here is a TRUE anecdote about Neil
Armstrong...
When Apollo Mission
Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked
on the moon, he not only gave his famous "one small step
for man, one giant leap for mankind" statement but
followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic between
him, the other astronauts and Mission Control. Just
before he reentered the lander, however, he made the
enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr. Gorsky." Many people
at
NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival
Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no
Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs.
Over the years many
people questioned Armstrong as to
what the "Good luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant, but
Armstrong always just smiled. On July 5, 1995 in Tampa
Bay FL, while answering questions following a speech, a
reporter brought up the 26 year old question to
Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky
had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could
answer the question.
When he was a kid, he
was playing baseball with a friend
in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed
in his neighbors' backyard, under their bedroom window.
His neighbors were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down
to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky. "Sex! You want sex?! You'll
get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"
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| A man died and his wife phoned the newspaper to place an obituary.
She called the obituary department and said, "This is what I want
to print: Bernie is dead." The man at the newspaper said, "But for
£15 you are allowed to print six words." The woman answered,
"OK. Then print: Bernie is dead. Toyota for sale." |
An enthusiastic door-to-door
vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.
He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and
before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps
cow patties all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning
this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" She says, "We just moved in
and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet." |
A shepherd was herding his flocks in a remote pasture when suddenly
a brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses
and a YSL tie leaned out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If
I can tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will
you give me one?"
The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing
flock and calmly answers "sure!" The yuppie parks the car, whips
out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs to a NASA page
on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system,
scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets
with complex formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on
his hi-tech miniaturized printer, turns round to our shepherd and
says: "you have here exactly 1586 sheep!"
"This is correct. As agreed, you can take one of the sheep," says
the shepherd. He watches the young man make a selection and bundle
it in his Cherokee.
Then he says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is,
will you give me my sheep back?" "Okay, why not" answers the young
man. "
You are a consultant," says the shepherd. "This is correct," says
the yuppie, "How did you guess that?" "Easy" answers the shepherd.
"
You turn up here although nobody called you. You want to be paid
for the answer to a question I already knew the solution to. And
you don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."
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A man calls home to his wife and says,
"Honey, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada
with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.
This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been
wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week
and set out my rod and tackle box.
We're leaving from the office and I'll swing by the "house to
pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but, being a good wife,
she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend
he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.
The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish? He
says,"Yes! lots of Walleye, some Bluegill and a few Pike. But
why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you
to do?" The wife replies; "
I did, they were in your tacklebox!"
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Hot Chocolate and A Pill.
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?' he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific,
wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better.These
young nurses really take care of you." "What about sleeping?
Do you sleep OK?" "No problem, nine hours solid every night.
At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this,so rushes
off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing,"
he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a
daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies
the Sister. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of
hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him
from rolling out of bed."
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A woman was in a gambling casino for
the first time.
At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32.
The wheel is spun, and 41 comes up. The smile drifted from the woman's
face and she fainted. |
Ponder this: If a man is walking in the forest, and there
is no woman present to hear him speak, is he still wrong?
Tony was in the hospital, near death.
The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared
to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write
on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Tony
used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The
preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so
he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that
he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Tony died.
He said, "You know, Tony handed me a note just before he died. I
haven't looked at it, but knowing Tony, I'm sure it's a wonderful
message."
He opened the note, and read, "Get off my oxygen tube!" |
Where Am I?
A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself
in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds
closed?" she asked her doctor.
"Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire
across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think
the operation had failed."
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"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes, I am."
"How much do you charge?"
"A thousand dollars for four questions."
"Isn't that pretty steep?"
"Yes, it is. What's your fourth question?"
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A Wee Story
Three old men were sitting
around the old folks home talking about their problems.
One old man said, "Every morning I have to get up and stand in
front of the toilet for about twenty minutes before anything finally
decides to come out."
The second man said, "That's nothing. Every morning I sit on the
toilet for an hour trying to have a bowel movement."
The third man chimed in, "That's nothing! Every morning at six
o'clock I urinate and at seven o'clock I have a bowel movement."
The other two men looked at each other, then one said, "So what's
the problem?" The third old man replied, "I don't wake up till
eight!"
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£500.
A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell
rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her see who's
at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before
she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you £500 to drop that
towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops
her towel and stands naked in front of him. He looks for a few seconds,
hands her £500, and leaves. Excited about her earnings, the woman
puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from
the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.
"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the £500
he owes me?"
Shipwreck.
A shipwrecked man was barely surviving after four months on a deserted
island, when one day on the beach, a gorgeous woman rowed up to the
shore.
"I've been on the other side of the island since my cruise ship sank,"
she told him. "At least you had a rowboat wash up with you," he said.
"Oh, I made that out of palm branches and coconut trees." She explained.
"With no tools?" He asked incredulously. "It was a simple matter of
heating an unusual type of rock I found to a certain temperature in
my kiln, then melting that into a forgeable iron to make the hardware."
She told him. "Do you want to come see my treehouse?" Well, did he ever!
This woman had an amazing fortress, and she cooked him a delicious five-course
dinner in her handmade cookware. After dinner, she went to slip into
something comfortable and came back wearing almost nothing. She gazed
into his eyes and said, "We've been lonely. I'm sure there's something
you want to do right now, something you've been longing for all of these
months. I think you know what I mean." He couldn't believe his luck.
"You mean..." He was almost speechless. "I can check my e-mail from
here?!"
Men
How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world
does it take to do the dishes? ===Both of them.
Why did the man cross the road? === He heard the chicken was a slut.
Why don't women blink during foreplay? ===They don't have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? === They don't
stop and ask for directions.
What do men and sperm have in common? === They both have a one-in-a-million
chance of becoming a human being.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? === He buys
two cases of beer.
What is the difference between men and government bonds? === The bonds
mature.
Why are blonde jokes so short? === So men can remember them.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? === We don't
know; it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
=== They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
=== A widow.
Why are married women heavier than single women? === Single women come
home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home,
see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? ===
They're married.
THE PRICE
In the Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber. I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed
theworried faces. "The only hope left for your loved one at this time
is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky and
you will have to pay for the brain yourselves." The family members sat
silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone
asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded,
"£5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable
to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to
ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?" The doctor smiled at the
childish innocence and so to the entire group said, "It's just standard
pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains,
because they've been used."
PUB JOKE
A man walks into a pub and sits at the bar waiting to be served. He
begins to hear a voice saying, "Nice shoes...and that's a great jacket."
He looks around, confused as there is no one near him. Again the voice
appears; "Lovely shirt". The man calls to the landlord who comes over.
"I keep hearing these voices," procalims the man, "They keep telling
me that I look great." "I wouldn't worry about that" says the barman
"It's just the complimentary peanuts!"
PADDY
Paddy and Murphy are walking along the banks of the river. They see
a couple of lads trying out an unique style of fishing which appears
to be working extremely well! One man is hold the legs of the other
as he dangles from a bridge and grabs the fish out of the river with
his hands. "We've gotta try dat." Says Murphy. They walk on until they
find a bridge of their own. Paddy grabs Murphys legs and they begin
to fish. An hour passes...they've caught nothing. Two hours pass...they've
caught nothing still. All of a sudden Murphy cries, "Quick Paddy pull
me up...there's a train coming!"
Another PUB JOKE
Paddy goes to his new local pub. He goes to the bar and asks for three
pints of Guinness. The barman pours the drinks and Paddy procedes to
take a sip from each glass in turn. The barman is bermused and just
has to ask, "Why are you drinking from three different glasses?" Paddy
begins his tale, "I have two brothers that have moved away and we made
a pact that whenever one of us goes for a drink we will always have
a drink for eachother." Paddy becomes a regular at the pub and each
time he orders three pints of Guinness and carries out his ritual. One
day Paddy enters the pub, "Two pints of Guinness please", he asks The
barman, fearing the worst, offers his condolances as he pours the drinks;
"Paddy...I'm sorry to hear about your brother." "Why, what's happened,"
replies Paddy confused. "I assumed that one of your brothers has passed
away, since you only ordered two pints,"the barman says. "No, no, no"
replies Paddy..."I've given up drinking!"
A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist
had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear.
Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them
to go to Yellowstone to study the bears.
Finally their request was granted, and they immediately
flew to NY and on West to Yellowstone.
They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly
mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals.
They pleaded that this was their only chance,and finally the ranger
relented. The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told
to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing
was heard from the two scientists.
The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged,
with no sign of the missing men. They followed the trail of a male and
a female bear.
They found the female and decided they must kill the animal to find
out if she had eaten the scientists because they feared an international
incident. They killed the female animal and opened the stomach to find
the remains of the Russian.
One ranger turned to the other and said,
"You know what this means, don't you?"
The other ranger responded, "Of course..."
"The Czech is in the male."
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SUCCESS
At age 4, success is......................not peeing inyour
pants.
At age 12, success is...................................having
friends.
At age 20, success is......................................having
sex.
At age 35, success is................................making money.
At age 60, success is.......................................having
sex.
At age 70, success is..................................having
friends.
At age 80, success is...................not peeing in your pants.
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What are the world’s three biggest lies?
The check’s in the mail.
I’ll still respect you in the morning.
Hi! Im your Bristol City councillor and I’m here to help you.
How do you known when councillors are lying to taxi drivers? Their
lips are moving.
Remarry?
A couple was sitting in front of the fire one evening. The wife asked,
“If I died, would you remarry?” The husband puffed on his pipe and stared
into the fire. After a while, he replied, “You know, I’m not all that
old and I’m not ready for a monastery. Yes, I’d remarry.” The wife pondered
that painful thought for a while and then asked, “Would you let her
live in this house?” The husband puffed on his pipe and stared into
the fire for a long time. “Yeah, I’d let her live here. You have to
consider what real estate costs these days and I like this house.” That
really shocked her. “Would you let her wear my clothes?” “Nah, she’s
too small.”
Food
A dietitian was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material
we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting
here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one
thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can
anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir,
in the first row, please give us your idea." The man lowered his head
and said, "Wedding cake."
TYPICAL MALE DECISION PROCESS
A man is dating three women and wants to decide which
to marry.
He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a
present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty
salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits
and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done
this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The
man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets
him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some
expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she
has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again,
the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns
several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests
the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save
for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was
impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman
had done with the money, and then he. . . . . . . . .
Married the one with the largest breasts.
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The Row
A husband and his wife had
a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When
you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here lies my Wife -- Cold as Ever.'"
The wife yells, "Yeah, well
when you die I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
"Here lies my Husband -- Stiff at Last.'"
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The Surrogate
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided
to use a "proxy" or "surrogate father" to start their family.
On the day the "proxy father" was to arrive, Mr. Smith
kissed his wife and said, "I'm off, Honey. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning
madam. I've come to.... "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting
you," Mrs. Smith cut in. "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good!
I've made a specialty of babies." "That's what my husband and I had
hoped. Please come in and have a seat."
After a moment she asked, blushing,"Well, where do we
start?" "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one
on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room
floor is fun too; you can really spread out!" "Bathtub, living room
floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me." "Well, madam, none
of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different
positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased
with the results." "My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith. "Madam,
in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in >and
out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in
downtown London." "Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her
handkerchief. "And these twins turned out exceptionally well, especially
when you >consider their mother was so difficult to work with." She
was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith. "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had
to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding
around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look." "Four and five
deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement. "Yes", the photographer
said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly
squealing and yelling ... I could hardly >concentrate. Then darkness
approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when >the squirrels
began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in." Mrs. Smith
leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um... equipment
?" "That's right.
Well Madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so
that we can get to work." "Tripod??" "Oh my yes, I have to use a tripod
to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long ...
Madam? ... Ma'am? ... Good Lord! ... She's fainted!"
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Jokes for Women.
Men become smarter during sex because
they are plugged into a genius.
Men are like.....Place mats.
They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike Helmets.
Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government Bonds.
They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Parking Spots.
The good ones are taken and the rest are too small.
Men are like.....Copiers.
You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava Lamps.
Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank Accounts.
Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High Heels.
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling Irons.
They're always hot and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini Skirts.
If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
Men are like.....Bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.
What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.
What does it mean when a man is in your
bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven?
Because if they all went, it would be Hell.
Why do men like smart women?
Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half
the time they don't work.
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck
and the noose.
How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.
How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.
How do you get a man to stop biting his
nails?
Make him wear shoes.
How does a man show he's planning for
the future?
He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical
male?
All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.
How many men does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
ONE..............He just holds it up there and waits for the world
to revolve around him.
What did God say after creating man?
I can do so much better.
What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
Any place without a drive-up window.
What do you call a man with half a brain?
Gifted.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks
he's God's gift to women?
Exchange him.
What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
What's a mans' idea of honesty in a relationship?
Telling you his real name.
What's the best way to force a man to
do sit ups?
Put the remote control between his toes.
What's the difference between Big Foot
and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says..."
Why are all dumb blond jokes one liners?
So men can understand them.
Why did God create man before woman?
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating
your masterpiece.
Why do female black widow spiders kill
the males after mating?
To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why do jocks play on artificial turf?
To keep them from grazing.
Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to
fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
When the crew gets = lost in space,
at least the woman will ask for directions.
Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for
men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
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