|
Link to JOKES
Link to JOKES 3. ( naughty
)
Two women were having
lunch together while
discussing the merits of cosmetic
surgery.
The first woman said, "I need to be
honest with you,
I'm getting a boob job."
The second woman said, "Oh that's
nothing, I'm
thinking of having my asshole
bleached!"
"Whoaaaaaaa," grinned the first,
"I just can't picture
your husband as a blonde!"
|
We have all been to those
meetings where someone wants over
100 percent.
How about achieving 103 percent? Here's a little math that
might prove helpful in the future. What makes life 100 percent?
If- - A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P
Q R S T U V W X Y Z
can be represented by numbers as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
25 26
Then,
H A R D W O R K
8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = only 98%
And,
K N O W L E D G E
11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = only 96%
But,
A T T I T U D E
1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%
And,
B U L L S H I T
2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%
So, it stands to reason that hard work
and knowledge will get you
close, but attitude and bullshit will put you over the top.
|
The 6th grade science
teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked
her class, "Which human body part increases to
10 times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood
up, angry,
and said, "You should not be asking 6th graders
a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal,
who will then fire you!"
With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question
again, "Which body part increases to 10 times
its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she
said to
those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big
trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and
said to
the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around
nervously,
and said,"The body part that increases 10 times
its size when stimulated is the pupil
of
the
eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy,"
then turned
to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady,
I have three things to say:
(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going to be very, very
disappointed."
|
Love is grand;
divorce is a hundred grand.
I am in shape.
Round is a shape.
Time may be a great healer,
but it's a lousy beautician.
Never be afraid to try something new.
Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic.
Conscience is what hurts when everything
else feels so good.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll
get run over if you just sit there.
Politicians and diapers have one thing
in common.
They should both be changed regularly and for the
same reason.
An optimist thinks that this is the best
possible world.
A pessimist fears that this is true.
There will always be death and taxes;
however, death doesn't get worse every year.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I am a nutritional overachiever.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever.
So far, so good.
Practice safe eating -- always use condiments.
A day without sunshine is like night.
If marriage were outlawed,
only outlaws would have in-laws.
It's frustrating when you know all the
answers,
but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
The real art of conversation is not only
to
say the right thing at the right time,
but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at
the tempting moment. (Ain't that the truth!)
Brain cells come and brain cells go,
but fat cells live forever.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom.
Sometimes age comes alone.
Life not only begins at forty,
it also begins to show.
And this one is the real truth, so pay
attention:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
you grow old because you stopped laughing.
|
| Moral
A teacher gave her fifth-grade class an assignment: have their
parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids
came to class, and one by one, told their stories.
Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm
and we have hens
that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs
to market on
the front seat of the pickup and we hit a big bump in the road.
The eggs went flying and broke all over everything.""And
what is the moral to that story?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good!" said the teacher.
Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a
farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a
dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks.
And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before
they are hatched."
That was a fine example, Lucy. Johnny, I believe you had your
hand up
next."
"Yes, Ma'am. My Daddy told me my Aunt Karen was a flight
engineer in Desert
Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory,
and
all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.
She
drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then
she landed
right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy
of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed
twenty
more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed
the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What
did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
|
Anything.
A sailor shipwrecks and washes up on a desert island. When he arrives,
he finds that there are already a dog and a pig there. After he is there
a few months, he develops a romantic interest in the pig. However, every
time he tries to make love to the pig, the dog starts biting him on
the leg and he can never get the job done. One day he looks out and
sees a lifeboat floating by, surrounded by sharks, with a woman in it
screaming frantically for help. He swims out through the sharks and
pulls it to the island. He finds the woman is Hilary Clinton, who is
profoundly grateful. She tells him that she will do anything, anything
at all, to reward him for saving her life. Just name it and she'll do
it, no matter what he asks. He says, after much thought, "Well yes,
there is a big, big favor you can do for me. Would you mind holding
that dog?"
New Bike.
One day a kid came home from school. His mom, glad to see him, asks
him what he did at school today. "I had sex witht he teacher the boy
replies." "What?!" His mom becomes really mad and send him to his room.
The kid's father arrives home later. His mom tell the father, "Guess
what your son did at school today, he had sex with the teacher." The
kid's father goes into his room. "Congradualations son, you know when
I was a kid, I've always wanted to have sex with my teacher, but I was
too shy, to show my appreciation let's go and get you a bike right now."
"Can the bike wait," the kid says, "My asshole still hurts."
BOND....JAMES BOND
A rather confident 007 walks into a bar and takes a seat
next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually
looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is
your date running late?" "No", he replies, "I am here alone. Q has just
given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." The
intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about
it?" "It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.
"What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!" 007 tuts, taps his watch and says, .......... "Damn
thing must be an hour fast."
Third Grade
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The
teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry said, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is
in third
grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third
grade
too!" She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry
waited in the
outer office, the teacher explained the problem to the principal.
The
principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he
failed to
answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade
and behave.
The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions are
explained
to him and he agrees to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal asked. The principal
looked at the teacher and said, "I think Harry can go to the
third grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have
only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
"What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
answer,
Harry replied, "Pockets."
"What does a dog do on three legs that a man stands to do?"
"Shakes hands"
"What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of excitement?"
"Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry
in the fifth grade, I missed the last four questions myself."
|
|
|
Back to top.