Jokes we Like.(3)

Link to JOKES 2. ( may be naughty )

Link to JOKES

Subject: Courtroom Humor!

These are things people actually said in court, word for word!
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? >
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law some where.

Fat Head

A husband, wife and a son walk into an ice-cream shop. The dad says

"I'll have a chocolate." The wife says "I'll have a vanilla." Then the dad slaps his son in the back of the head and says "What do you want fat head?" The lady helping them says "Why did you hit him in the back of the head and call him fat head?" The husband says,

"There are three things in life a man wants: The first thing is a nice big truck. And you see that nice big truck sitting out there??? That's my nice truck!!!

The second thing in life a man wants is a nice big house. You seen that nice big house on top of the hill on the edge of town? That's my big house!!!

The third thing in life a man wants is a nice tight pussy, and I had that until fat head came along!!!

Pull Over.

An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding, can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way. Up and down the hall she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am, but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse and pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way. She zooms off again, up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again, he jumps out. He is stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up at the man and say's, "Oh no. Not the Breathalyzer again!"

Brains

The couple had been married for 30 years,and on their aniversery they decided to go back to the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was lying on the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude,just as she had 30 years before.She stood sedductivley before him and asked,"tell me,darling,what were you thinking 30 years ago when i came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied''I took 1 look at you and thought I'd lie to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." ''And what are you thinking now,baby?'' she asked huskily. He said,''I'm thinking I did a damn good job.''