You're 85? Never!

 

What a proud day it must have been for Mrs Skran. Her daughter Wendy was at long last getting married to Bert from the bookmakers. She must have been ecstatic. But what ever made her or the people at the radio station think that I or the other people of Bristol would be remotely interested, I do not know.
We were then treated to a rendition of "I will always love you " by someone in Houston.
The radio droned on as I sat in my cab waiting for my next fare. Things were quiet. The city council had trebled the number of taxis on the streets to swell the city coffers with licence money. This had cut the income of the drivers who were out there already. After an hour an elderly lady, who didn't look to steady on her feet, pulled alongside the cab with a shopping trolley. It was Alice. The 3 bags of food and Alice were soon loaded into my car and we started our epic 1-mile journey to Elm Tree home for the elderly. This was a trip we did often, as the residents of the home like to do their own shopping and a taxi is the means that allows them to do it. As soon as we were underway, she told me that she is 85 and a half, and she used to be a dancer. I act surprised " You're 85? Never! ". This must be the 20th time she has told me this but the banter makes her happy.
We pulled into the drive just in time to see Lady Jennifer (another regular) pressing her naked 80-year-old body against the dinning room picture window. Jack and Bert, who are both in their 80s, shouting, "Go Jen, I think the bromide is wearing off", are encouraging her. The gardener saw this act of geriatric exhibitionism and started to run to tell matron. In his haste he tripped over his wheelbarrow and fell headlong into the ornamental fishpond. With a lot of panic stricken splashing he emerged like the creature from the black lagoon, with long tangles of weed hanging from his head and the black sludge all over him.
I didn't know where to look for the funniest scene, Lady Jennifer gyrating in the window or the gardener thrashing about in the pond.
With tears of laughter rolling down my face I got Alice out of the car.
Here is a tip for unloading old ladies. Tell them the fare, open the door for them to get out, get the shopping from the boot, take the shopping to the door, when you get back to the cab she will be out of the car with your money ready. Sometimes you will also get a sticky sweet covered with fluff and smelling of mothballs.
DO NOT eat the sweet. It has been in the bottom of some old handbag since before the war.
I said good-bye to Alice and told her she doesn't look a day over 30, this got me another fluffy sweet and 20p tip. As I turned my cab around I caught a glimpse of matron prising lady Jen off the window, much to the annoyance of her now large audience. I was so distracted by the scene that I almost ran over the squelching mass that was making its way across the drive. "Sorry" I shouted out of my window as I went by, trying desperately not to laugh until I got down the road.

 

 

Mandy.

Back to the rank and the day ran on as usual. As I am a talker I can get into a conversation within a few minutes. This does two things, makes the day more interesting and it puts the passengers at their ease. The subjects today are, a judge who tells me what he would do with hunt saboteurs, a lap dancer who has a degree but can earn more money dancing, an addict who tells me of his struggle to stay with the methadone program, an alcoholic who tells me of his downward spiral with his girlfriend and how he sold his house to feed his drug habit.
After all that I was ready for something lighter.
Right on cue came a very attractive blonde lady, about mid 30's, dressed in the best quality clothes. She was a breath of fresh air. She was carrying a lot of expensive looking bags with names of the high-class shops on them. "Are you free driver?" Most guys would crawl over broken glass just to say hello to this lady. "Yes ma-am". In a couple of minutes we were on our way. The destination was no surprise, Stoke Heights. Within a couple of minutes we were chatting. She was so easy to talk to, light and bright. The journey flew by and in no time we were passing the high bushy hedges and big trees that hid the mansions behind them. As we approached some large black wrought iron gates she pressed a remote and they slowly swung open. I drove through them on a tarmac drive. After driving through a tree-lined road, the surface changed to gravel and the house came into view.
It was honey coloured Bath sandstone, 2 storied in a long period style. The sun shone on it as we approached, enhancing the warm colour. The drive curved in from one side of the house to a fountain in front of the main door, then out on the other side of the lawn. The centrepiece of the fountain was a Germanic style S that looked new and strangely out of place in these surroundings.
We drew up to the front door and came to a halt. "I wonder if you be so kind as to bring my bags in for me " she asked softly. " Sure no problem, but I wonder if I could ask a favour." The water from the fountain had just been too much for me and after an hour on the rank "Could I use your bathroom?" . " Yes of course you can " she replied " if you take my shopping up the stairs, you can use any of the bathrooms on that floor"
She opened the door into a lobby then through an inner door into a large round open hallway. In the middle of the black and white tiled floor started a wide staircase which rose to meet the far wall, when it did, at a half landing it went left and right to follow the curve of the room to finish on the upper floor landing.
As she walked across the hall she gestured to the stairs, " Help yourself ".
I climbed the stone stair with the bags in hand. When I reach the top the stone changed to deep carpet. On this landing there were two wide corridors going in different directions along the length of the house. I placed the bags at the top of the stairs and I chose one. I went down the right corridor and opened the first door on the right. My renowned intuition had not left me and I stood looking into a broom cupboard full of cleaning materials.
Continuing along the corridor I opened the next door. What I saw was the most sumptuous room I had ever seen. It was light and spacious. The colours were light, rich and lavish. In the middle of the room was the bed. Silk covered and round. Gossamer drapes cascaded from a round mirror in the ceiling, falling to veil the place of sleep or love. This was a ladies room.
Back in the corridor I tried another room on the left. This was very different. A dark room with an old iron single bed pushed up against the wall. The curtains were pulled over but I could see that there was a bathroom adjoining this dingy cell. Closing the door behind me I moved towards the bathroom. With the door closed it was even darker. I moved through the dark and I tripped on what felt like a chain. I fell awkwardly, hitting my head on the side of the bed as I fell. I hit the floor with a thud and the room went hazy for a minute or two. Lying still on the floor trying to collect my thoughts and focus my eyes, I found myself eye to eye with a contorted hideous face. In my panic I tried to push it away but got entangled in the straps that bound the owner of this twisted face. As I stumbled backwards trying to get up it followed me. We were bound in a grotesque embrace by soft leather straps. I fell again with the body now on top of me. Why was it so light? Forcing myself to calm down, I realised that this thing I had been trying to get away from was a blow up dolly. Made in Taiwan and modelled by someone from the moon by the look of it. I liberated myself from Miss Lunar body and got to my feet. The need for my original intention in this room was becoming urgent.
Entering the bathroom at last I noticed they have a heated toilet seat. How posh can you get! Must try it.
Assuming the position I relax in this luxury, letting the cares of the day free from my mind. Whilst sitting there, I noticed this room had pictures all over the wall. Part of the wall was covered with strange masochistic pictures the rest were what looked like pictures of taxis; in the middle of them all was an old Bristol Taxi licence plate. Who would be interested in taxis in a house like this?
I was getting quite cosy when I heard a door slam. It brought me out of my warm stupor with a jolt and I thought it was time I moved myself.
I could hear shouting. It sounded urgent and angry.
Standing up and pulling my trousers up at the same time I didn't tuck my shirt in properly. Buckled my belt and pulled on my zip, it went up but the zip split open from the bottom. Desperate tugging I tried to get the zipper back down, I failed and gave up. Just what I wanted!
The shouting was getting louder and I decided that this was not the time to mend a zip. As I moved towards the door I stepped carefully over Miss Lunar body not wanting to rekindle our entangled relationship.
Someone was running along the corridor outside. Opening the door just enough for me to see through the crack. I saw a large man running up the corridor towards me. I closed the door again and heard him go by. This man looked familiar, I couldn't remember where from but alarm bells were ringing in my head. After a second or two I quietly slipped out of the room. Another large man was moving away from me down the other corridor. Moving quickly and carefully I reached the stairs and descended to the half landing.
Frozen by the disbelief at what I saw my mouth dropped open. This was mirrored in the face of the man coming up the stairs to meet me.
It was my old adversary S&M.
I must have looked a picture. A dishevelled mess standing at the top of a flight of stairs, shirt hanging out, a bump on the side of my face, flies open with the end of my shirt hanging out of my zip. Absolute elegance.
What was going through his mind I don't know, but the stunned silence was soon broken.
" Maddock YOU ". We stood for a second in this strange standoff, when I heard what I thought was thunder. The reason for this sound quickly became apparent as the two large men appeared at the top of the stairs at the same time. They saw me and continued their charge down the first flight. Just as the two juggernauts reached the half landing, I made a rush forward towards S&M. The huge masses of meat met, with a force that would have crushed me if I had still been standing there. It knocked the wind out of both of them and they collapsed on the landing gasping for breath.
I continued my descent and hit S&M with a hard body blow that caught him off balance. He stumbled down the stairs backwards, reached for the handrail but didn't quite make it. His legs twisted under him and I heard a crack. The loud scream reached my ears, as I was halfway across the hall.
The lady was standing at a pair of double doors with a glass of wine in her hand and a big smile on her face " Thank you so much" " My name is Mandy, would you like a drink?" she asked.
"I would love to but I think I had better leave. Thank you for the use of your bathroom".
She put her hand into the pocket of the light coat she was wearing then handed me a remote for the gate. " Bring it back when ever you can. "
As I reached the door, I looked back to see S&M writhing in agony on the floor holding his leg and the two gorillas on the half landing just getting to their feet. S&M was shouting at them "GET HIM "
I closed the door of my cab just as one of the minders was coming out of the house. My car was facing in the right direction for me to get away quickly but the limo was facing the house. He jumped into the driver seat, fired the big engine and selected reverse. This car did not have ABS because when he hit the throttle the wheels were spinning unable to get grip but when it did, the car shot back at a rate of knots smashing into the wall of the fountain. The water gushed out making the grip situation even worse. The wheels were spinning, throwing mud and gravel everywhere.
I sped down the exit drive and soon saw the big iron gates. I pressed the remote that Mandy had given me and they opened slowly. As I went through I pressed it again and they started to close.
I looked in my mirror and saw the limo coming through the tree-lined drive at speed. The gates were slowly closing. The driver suddenly realised this and slammed his brakes on. He almost made it, almost! I heard the crash of glass and metal but didn't look back
************************


 

 

 

 

999

I did see Mandy again about a week later. I was on the same rank as I had picked her up from. Although I was the 5th car on the rank she got into the passenger seat beside me. She was pleased to see me, as I was to see her. As we made our way to Stoke Heights she told me the story of how S&M came to be at her house.
Ten years ago her father had got himself involved in an import / export company. The deal had been so good that he just couldn't turn it down. He was the head of the company but there were partners that he had never met. Shipments were made that he was unaware of. These transpired to be with the new nazi movement and arms suppliers in North Africa. A consignment of arms was to be brought into Germany through his company. Interpol had got wind of the transaction and planed a big operation to intercept it on arrival. In the confusion of the ensuing gun battle that took place on the dockside, the ringleader escaped.
Although her father had been an innocent pawn in this scheme, he had been under suspicion and it was touch and go as to whether he would be sent for trial.
The strain of this had taken its toll on his health and he soon passed the control of his companies to Mandy. He took his doctor's advice and went to live in his villa in the south of France.
About six months ago, S&M came to see Mandy. He told her he wanted a place to stay, somewhere quiet, nice, where no one would know him, her house. She told him "NO". Then he told her who he was, how he had masterminded the arms deal but if he did not get the lodgings he wanted, he might let her father take the credit.
By the time she had finished her sorry tale we were outside the front door of the house. When she stopped talking I could see the tears rolling down her beautiful face. I put my arm around her shoulder to comfort her; she turned her face towards me, looked deep into my eyes and threw her arms around my neck. She held me tight as she sobbed. I could feel her body moving with every sob as they slowly subsided. It was like a dam bursting with all the frustration, hurt, anger and agony being released in this wonderful cleansing moment. The last sob finally passed and after a second or two she pulled her wet face from mine. Her eyelids were lowered as if in shame. Then she lifted them to look into my very soul, crystal clear, penetrating blue eyes. " Thank you. Come in for coffee " she whispered. "I don't know if I should, you never know who might turn up". " Please do, they are gone thanks to you, I will tell you all about it over coffee."
As we sat across an old scrubbed pine table in the luxurious but homely kitchen, she told me what had happened after my last hurried exit.

 

*********************

As I disappeared down the drive in a cloud of dust being followed by the limo spraying mud as it fought for traction, the second of the two apes was tending to its master, who was writhing on the floor in agony, holding his leg. Garry (the ape) was a big man, what he had in bulk he lacked in brains.
He rang 999. The emergency operator asked him his name, " Garry Benjamin Harvey, but my friends call me GBH ".
Operator " What is the name of the injured person?" Garry " Morris Barrington East". This is the highest mark that Garry had ever achieved in a quiz and he was feeling quite proud. Operator," Address of injured party?" This stumped Garry, he had to ask Mandy, so spoiling his 100% rate to this point.
When the name Morris Barrington East was entered into the emergency computer. An alarm was raised at Interpol HQ.
Garry went back to the moaning S&M to tell him that everything was going to be o.k. an ambulance was on its way. This did not have the effect that he had expected. S&M's eyes suddenly opened wide, "Did you mention my name?" he snapped. "Yes " Garry said hesitantly. The language was enough to make a docker blush, something about his mother being a dog and not married to his father. " Get me out of here" he bellowed. They attempted getting him up on one leg but the hopping movement jarred the broken one, so Garry lifted him into his arms like a baby. He managed to open the inner door to the lobby but when he tried to open the outer door he hit S&M's head on the glass at the same time as the inner door closed on the bad leg. Freeing the leg and opening the outer door he rushed out, hitting S&M's head on the doorframe, rendering him unconscious. As they emerged from the house the limo was limping backwards up the drive, both back and front looking a sorry mess. S&M was laid out on the floor in the back and Garry jumped in the front. Mandy was keen to see them go and opened the gates and they disappeared through them.
Where they went nobody knows or cares except Interpol perhaps.

 

 

 

Friends.
We had just finished our second cup and were feeling cosy and relaxed. Mandy looked as if by telling the story it had lifted a great weight from her. She looked happy radiant and ready to start life all over again. In a relaxed mood she showed me the house. When we got to the sauna I said I had never tried one. She insisted we did right now.
I didn't leave that night or for a couple of days after that. We had the most wonderful time, just enjoying one another's company. The following week she had a meeting in New York and I took her to the airport. Mandy is one of my closest friends and we spend a lot of time together when she is in the country. So I do have something to thank S&M for.

 

 

©M.W. Maddock.2002