I was sitting in the usual traffic chaos around the city centre, I had been there some time when our city fathers advice came to mind.
Switch off in traffic.
No sooner than I had switched off my engine, the traffic started to move.
My car is one of those funny cars that you have to put codes in before it will start. I proceeded to enter the correct code and carry out all the pre-flight checks that you have to with this car. I started the engine, as I did so the car that was immediately behind mine, shot past to fill the vacant space in front of my car.
I did not lose my cool. I did the deep breathing exercises that the therapist had told me about, deep breath in then out and relax. I was about to take my third breath in when the traffic started to move again. This time I was ready and managed to maintain my position on the grid.
The offending traffic lights at the head of this mayhem let 3 cars through and reverted to it's normal red.
Breaking into my mantra, another form of stress relief recommended by my psychiatrist, I was trying hard to think of good thoughts, bunny rabbits, whales, and foxes. When a lorry carrying scaffold poles pulled along side me in the traffic. There was a lot of noise coming from the cab of the truck but I knocked on the door and suggested to the driver that he might comply with the city council orders or risk a £1000 fine. I went on to politely ask him to turn his engine off.
What happened after that was a bit of a blur but the pain is still fresh I my mind, well not my mind but you know what I mean. An analogy of giving birth to a baby rhino might give you some idea.

When the policeman arrived he was no help what so ever. The sight of me lying face down on the pavement with my trouser down, was too much for him. He just collapsed in a fit of laughter. He would start to compose himself then catch sight of me and my predicament and go into even deeper hysteria. By this time a small crowd had gathered to witness my embarrassment. A male nurse, who was in the crowd, saw what was happening to the policeman. He came forward to help the, now collapsing policeman, regain his senses by slapping his face.
Unfortunately this treatment coincided with the arrival of the second police officer. Seeing his colleague being assaulted he threw himself at the supposed assailant, knocking him to the ground. In a well-rehearsed manor he placed his knee firmly in the side of the nurses head, preventing him from speaking, or doing anything else for that matter. He was starting to turn a shade of blue when his girlfriend rushed forward to help him breath again. Plod 2 who had obviously been watching to many kung-fu films, thought he was under attack. He swept her feet from under her and she landed with a thud on top of her, now gasping, boyfriend. Quick as a flash, plod 2 whipped out his handcuffs and manacled them together.
He stood up in triumph, hands open in front of him, as if asking for applause from the crowd. Much to his dismay they started to turn and walk away shaking heads and saying things like " what a plonker " and " where do they get them from".
The police assailants were thrown into the back of a white van and taken to the local Bridewell, just before the ambulance arrived for me.

The people at the casualty department were very nice but I could see that they were very close to the same state as the laughing policeman. The gown that they had put me into did not hide the portion of my anatomy that had been subjected to the physical attack and to leave me face down on a trolley, in a corridor for an hour, did not help my pride. Each kid that went by asked, " What's that sticking out that mans bum Mum".

The removal was not easy. The nurse said, she could not imagine how the scaffolder got the spanner in such a position. With the help of an epidural, gas and air, Vaseline and a lot of screaming, the object was removed from my person.
To this day when ever I hear the words ring spanner it sends a shiver down my spine.

This sad incident will unfortunately prevent me from taking part in the council's next nutty, save the planet scheme. Ride your bike to work day.
But it does show us that we must be careful when promoting the councils policy because they do not actualy know what they are talking about.
Switch off in traffic if you like, but if the driver in the car next to yours has not, then dont risk a punch in the nose. Wind your window up and do some knitting.